Sexy Halloween Costumes for the Modern Woman

It’s almost time for pagan-palooza 2013! It’s the most wonderful time of the year when every night is Hocus Pocus night. Perhaps you’ve got your Halloween costume planned, your mischief managed. If not, this great nation’s retailers have stepped up to peddle their lewd and lascivious wares to you.

Sexy Zombie Barmaid from the above link may be one of the most niche costumes this side of Sexy Furloughed National Parks Employee, but really, Sexy Pink Ranger? The Power Ranger costume is already skin-tight spandex; it is inherently sexy. But high heels? Cleavage baring? Let me tell you something about Kimberly Hart. Kimberly Hart was smart and capable, with a body so nubile and limber she could pick your pockets with her feet. Kimberly Hart would not be caught dead in such an impractical, useless costume, and the whole thing deserves a ninjetti corkscrew kick to the solar plexus.

Granted, old-timey Halloween costumes were the stuff of actual night terrors, but we’ve got to stop this. This obsession with “sexy” or “sassy” — which is now apparently code for “lots of flesh” deployed only when “sexy” would make a particular outfit incredibly uncomfortable (e.g., Sexy Christopher Robin) — costumes would make sense as a feminist rebellion if every other day of the year women were forced to wear sweaters buttoned to their lymph nodes and Reeboks. The yearly inundation of tawdry outfits would be more equitable if men also had to be Sexy Iron Man or Sassy Calvin and Hobbes. The whole Hallow’s Eve kit and kaboodle would resolve itself if sex didn’t scandalize us, in the same way that we’ve compartmentalized (and put in an unopenable lock-box) violence in popular culture.

But none of that is the case, and what we’re left with is a women’s Twin Peaks Tigger ensemble.

I don’t consider myself a Puritan. Upon the shutdown of the U.S. government, I immediately fled to the Internet, waiting for this.

link
link

I do not sit at home in my dressing gown, sewing lace collars onto my T-shirts before pulling a veil of modesty around my bed and tucking in. I am relatively normal.

salem

I am also not a women’s studies scholar. I don’t honestly know why Miley Cyrus was on the wrecking ball in the newd. But if I were her, I’d roll around nekkid in my piles and piles of money. (Side note: SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT BANGERZ MEANS.And I do not believe it’s taboo for the fairer sex to celebrate their hot bods and show them off. But turning a men’s costume into a women’s costume shouldn’t require the tailor’s snips to trim sleeves, pants and chest fabric automatically.

No one’s forced to buy Naughty Costumes, of course, and I don’t because dignity?

Photo, left: my own tragic life, 2011. Photo, right: Sears, for God's sake.
Well, maybe not. Photo, left: my own tragic life, 2011. Photo, right: Sears, for God’s sake.

The free market seems content to proffer this cheap, plastic trash till kingdom come, however. Ladies, we’re going to have reclaim what it means to be sexy and costumed for ourselves. Here are a few ideas for modern, sexy females.

  • Sexy Fed Chairwoman Who Doesn’t Think Your Interest Rates Especially High on Her Priorities
  • Sexy Ronald Reagan Ordering You to Tear Down This Wall of Patriarchy
  • Sexy Lady Gaga Realizing that Mimi Bobeck Wore It Better and that She Doesn’t Always Have to Shock You

Screen shot 2013-10-10 at 8.25.31 PM

  • #Sexy “Blurred Lines” Extra Who’s Just Shooting This Video to Blow Off Steam From Her Biomedical Engineering Exam
  • Sexy Super Appealing Debt Ceiling Raise
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1 thought on “Sexy Halloween Costumes for the Modern Woman”

  1. “Let me tell you something about Kimberly Hart. Kimberly Hart was smart and capable, with a body so nubile and limber she could pick your pockets with her feet. Kimberly Hart would not be caught dead in such an impractical, useless costume, and the whole thing deserves a ninjetti corkscrew kick to the solar plexus.” this. this part. AND FEMINISM RAISED THEIR HANDS AND CLAPPED.

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