A Trivial Pursuit

Reports of this blog’s death have been mildly exaggerated. A mere two months ago, I extended an offer of editorial democracy, opening a vote for my next post. It’s only taken me a changing of the seasons, but here I am to make good on that promise.

Eventually, I hope to get to several of the options, as well as a few write-ins, but for now: the Craigslist ad for the perfect trivia partner.

First, however, we’re going to talk about trivia. This weekend I had the unfortunate experience of my second trivia-related dream in as many months. In this one, my subconscious actually formed questions — apparently from the ether — to torment me. Among them:

1) What is Pink’s best-known song?

This is incredibly subjective and unfair, especially considering that since at least I’m Not Dead (if not before), every Pink hit single has followed the same catchy and successful formula, which can be summed up easily: phonies < people who are OK (i.e., people who buy Pink records) < Pink.

Right now, I cannot mentally conjure the track list of Funhouse, but Dream Me did and argued vehemently, after running through every song on the album, with Ghost Dream Trivia Team that the answer was clearly “So What.” Which is completely correct if you go by Billboard’s rankings. (I woke up seething over this, because my Dream Team opted for some fictional track from Missundaztood, and I had to prove them wrong.)

2) Which famous bicyclist did Abbott and Costello send to northern India to comment on that country’s caste system?

I’m not kidding. From my mind’s diaspora came this random assortment of words strung together into what would be an incredibly interesting film directed by George Clooney. I Googled every aspect of this too when I woke up just to make sure I wasn’t accidentally a genius and had retained this awesome fact.

I am not a genius, though I’m thrilled I woke up before we could get to more questions about Golda Meir’s favorite brand of soap or lists of the world’s most famous defenestrations performed by circus clowns.

That said, I can piece together why I am dreaming up questions to stump myself. Because I spend 1-2 nights a week with this motley crew of characters on our endless quest for self-love gratification and trophies.

The cast and crew of the notorious Figgy Stardust.
The cast and crew of the notorious Figgy Stardust.

As a result, I may be losing my mind. But before I do, let me leave you with what I consider the perfect addition to a trivia troupe.

Seeking Trivia Partner Slightly Smarter Than Me

Looking for a new member for an ensemble of grizzled bar trivia veterans. We play competitively most nights at an advanced level. Other nights, we crawl to the door in sheer embarrassment of living. Hoping to round out the rotation with someone with knowledge in the following areas: late ’80s music, early ’90s non-children’s cinema, astrophysics, recent studies on human sexuality, the nuanced politics of world conflict in the early 20th century, obscure candy varieties, comics.

Key attributes I’m looking for:

  • Intelligence of which you are not fully aware
  • Zen-like calm in the face of Before & After questions
  • Willingness to shut up when necessary
  • Past experience in crisis management
  • Disposable income to buy favored teammates margaritas
  • Proven talent for amusing doodles
  • A+ penmanship in dimly lit spaces
  • Likability
  • A real degree in something useful

Please submit a headshot, current resume, three references and a credit score.

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