A Non-Comprehensive List of Things I Wanted Today

  • A hummingbird feeder
  • Succulents I can’t kill
  • A Toyota Prius
  • A driver for the Toyota Prius
  • The Scooby-Doo house shoes I had when I was 9
  • To know whether I am in Taylor Swift’s squad
  • To know what she does with the bodies of people who refuse to join her squad
  • A tattoo of an okapi and a sad nudist, only without the sad nudist
  • A hedgehog
  • A carrot costume for the hedgehog
  • A niche, disruptive pop-up store called “Hedgie Veggie” that sells high-quality pet food and vegetable costumes
  • Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow: The Greatest Hits of Kenny Loggins
  • Mo’ money
  • Mo’ problems, if it means mo’ money
  • One of those cats with fluffy ears
  • One of those cats with fluffy ears and a distinctly non-catlike personality
  • For cats to use real toilets
  • For dogs to use real toilets
  • For drunks to use real toilets
  • Basic human decency
  • The red pleather catsuit from the “Oops! … I Did It Again” video
  • Maybe a chinchilla
  • For Jim Henson not to be dead
  • A library with one of those sliding ladders
  • One long, loving look into the eyes of Sam Bradford
  • A wider variety of animated GIFs from Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland
  • A Holodeck program that allows me just to shoot the breeze over brunch with Jackee Harry and a Bloody Mary bar
  • The Crayola 96-Count box with built-in sharpener my dog ate last year
  • Fewer emails
  • Zero emails
  • A lint roller the size of a Zamboni
  • A career as a Zamboni driver
  • Reassurance that Zamboni drivers don’t get emails
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